Relationships, Chias, and Puzzles: Why I married a puzzler

Lately I've been thinking more about the meaning of friendship. I'm always fascinated with the process of making friends and the sometimes randomness in which friends remain close and which do not as time goes by. I'm also intellectually and emotionally intrigued by the depth of relationships. What makes a friendship deeper than others? What makes a friendship more lasting?

Such was the origin of my chia / puzzle piece theory of human relations. I'm an imagery guy, so I'd never make it as a social scientist or philosopher, since I have no ability to discuss cognition or ego or any of that. But I do have a gift for finding metaphors (or similies) for things.

I think that people are like puzzle pieces. Their personality is of a shape and size similar to that of other people, but uniquely crafted with slots and tabs that make other people particularly suited to connect or fit uncomfortably. Prejudices about race, or intellect, or even food all determine the shape of a person's personality puzzle piece.

However, due to social expectations and pressures, we often grow a chia-like fuzz around our puzzle piece. It helps to mask the unique features of our personalities (like prejudices and preferences) that we don't want people to judge us on. It also ends up masking some of the ideas and thoughts that make us unique, often burying core beliefs under a green carpet of sameness.

This chia fuzz is to some extent a social lubricant. It masks differences and lets people relate without having to acknowledge the underlying differences, the way person A's puzzle slot would not accept person B's tab. It helps us get along.

The chia fuzz is also an inhibitor. It's the use of humor to deflect a serious question or a conversational tangent to avoid an unwelcome query. It masks the unique features of a person's personality - who they are - in order to make them more agreeable to others.

Since I'm fairly heavy on chia fuzz, I have a particularly strong admiration for people who can shed that fuzz and invite other to do the same. That's why I married someone who can. These people, I feel, are willing to share something of themselves at risk of being judged. They offer to deepen a relationship by showing a bit of their puzzle piece and asking if it fits. These fuzz trimmers ask the same in return: to see beneath the masking chia and to understand the individual. These puzzlers have a gift for challenging people to have a relationship that's deeper than pop culture or even shared experience, to create a relationship based on the acknowledging and embracing differences.

In addition to exploring the underlying pieces of people, puzzlers are also willing to challenge people to live up to their beliefs, their standing. A chia is inclined to gloss over or simply ignore thoughts or comments or actions that seem uncomfortable. Not a puzzler.

When it comes to developing deep and lasting relationships with people, I think everyone needs a puzzler in their life; someone to question and challenge and really explore the innermost parts of who you are.

The difference in relationships is stark. This quote illustrates the chia:

First they came for the Jews
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the Communists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left
to speak out for me.

This quote exemplifies the puzzler:

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.