Lessons from a loaner dog

We're caring for a family dog while folks are out of town, and it's a novel experience for someone like me who has never owned a dog. I have come to understand why I would want a dog.

I would like a dog because...

• I love having someone watch me eat, intently
• I love the clicking sound of toenails across the wood floor, as you make sure to stay in my line of sight as I prepare dinner
  
• I love having an obstacle to hurdle when you wait near the door to a room or just behind me
  
• I love going outside [first thing in the morning/before I leave for work/right when I get home/before I go to bed] to let you pee...
  
• Holding your leash, because you are a disobedient wretch and do not come when called
• Because if I don't, you pee on...
• The basement floor
• The living room rug
• I love cleaning your barf off our handmade quilt
• I love the 4 AM whining when you hear a strange noise
• I love that you must re-sniff the cat's butt each time it re-enters the room
• I love that telling you to get off the furniture results in the quickest hop-off, hop-on the world has ever seen

I think I'll stick with cats.